Saturday 31 May 2014

Hold On my baby doll!!


So finally there came the call!! I am running 15th week now and I finally heard from my husband!


Not a sigh of relief though. My stress creator! He called me and as usual blamed me for every damn thing on earth.  He even said “I don’t care if you are pregnant. I care nothing for your emotions”. So what was he getting to? I was just thinking why would he let me wallow and then raise to forget him and then choose to come back and make me hate him more!?! Hence I started with my direct Questions “have you found someone?” Ans “you are free to assume” I asked “do you want to free from this relationship?” Answer (unexpected, coz I was still hoping against fate) “Its over from my end” I again asked “do you want to take legal steps?” Answer “you are using this to threaten me! Yes send me the papers” beep beep beep…the call had ended along with the relationship!




I felt emotionally numb. There was nothing in me but fear! I took off from wk and decided to spend the day with my mom n my baby. Things went worse by evening. My emotions were dipping so bad that I felt I have no more courage to hold myself up. Thoughts were spinning in my head “shud I see a lawyer? Shud I just let this be? Shud I secure my baby first? How do I stop myself from some harmful thoughts? I am not alone anymore! How do I calm myself? What next? Shud I uproot from blore? What kind of a job shud I fetch to care well for my baby?”

Well there were a lot more! I could just go on n on n on. That night I just kept awake thru out! I felt slight pain in my stomach and feared if the stress was getting too much for my Angel to handle. I felt so sorry for my sweet lil baby!! I put my hands on my baby bump and started to pray. I asked my Master to bless and heal my baby! I told my baby “Sweetheart this has nothing to do with you. You are free and very very loved! You are safe! Mumma loves you more than herself. Now just relax and see your future. I can see its bright and full of fun and happiness and luxury! My sweet little Angel….dont take my stress.” Surprisingly the pain began to reduce! I Looked into my master’s pic and silently thanked him!




Now the super challenge is to stay calm and remain blissful. I am not alone and I have no rights to thump such emotions on to my baby anymore.  So I am gonna sincerely restart reading those spiritual books, eat well, sleep well, Salt water baths, chantings and incenses always in the room and my meditations and blue triangles are gonna be my high priority. Baby is gonna thank me for being a good mom J now that’s the spirit!!! Wake up….shake it off!! Lets be something spl! HE is watching over and will not let us both suffer! :)

Wednesday 28 May 2014

Lioness's mood swings....



Today for some reason my mind wanders to the past! The words “I don’t care for your tears anymore” are pinching me harder than I thought!

I was in my 2 month. Heights of nausea and giddiness and fatigue! I never thought I will feel so disabled ever! There was not a single day that went without taunting about my inability work. Well all I could do….let me correct…..all I did was ignore. Yes there were better things I could have done. It reached a pinnacle when my MIL asked me to go to my mom’s place. It was her territory now!! Of course she defended by saying I meant to go and come bak! As usual I chose not to reply. I silently packed 2-3 sets of my clothes and set off to work.

My husband was supposed to drop me daily coz medically I was on alarm not to use Autos and Bus for a while (in fact was advised bed rest). On my way there was a fight (which had almost become a routine). But today my husband had to prove….what I have no idea. When he felt I wasn’t giving in he banged the steering wheel and in the middle of a high traffic road the car swung left right…..like in movies!!!!! My heart jumped for the little life in me!! My eyes shot red and my cheeks as hot as I ever felt!! The mother in me rose and I commanded for the car to be stopped immediately. The furious voice…..i don’t think I have heard myself ever this hard before! He parked. I walked out of the car and grabbed my bag and started to walk ignoring his abusing words shouting at me. I caught an auto nearby. Once in and felt safe….tears ran down without a hold. I was terrified of…..what if….?!! NOOOOO!!! My angel trusts me and I am the protector! I was not scared of my life as much as I was scared for her! I want to live…Live safe!!

After work I went to mom’s place. The doors were always open for me. I am so blessed to have such god like parents!! Days rolled. 2 weeks and never heard from him! One fine day there was a call. Not to me…to my dad from him. When I heard what he had told my dad…..I broke down!!! I was staying away from him all these days here I was who will be staying WITHOUT him now on!!! After learning my company doesn’t insure me for maternity he had called my father to say he will not be paying the hospital bills of his first baby!!!! He can help us by paying what might his company insure him but not a pie from his pocket! What kind of a man would ever say something like this????

My dad will give me his life and I have learnt from him to give my Angel my life! I picked up myself and first thing I went thru my savings in cash, which was very petite. I had to now save every penny I earn! I thought worst case I will sell my wedding ornaments and release my FD! This was my life time saving. I have my vehicle I can sell for half rate now. I gained some confidence that I could survive on my own for a year n half. Now past 1.6 yrs….I will do the needful!



His words when I Questioned him why shud my dad pay for our baby…. “coz u r the bride” pricked me so hard!! I so much wanted a daughter who will reply to him one day….daughter is a tigress not your scapegoat!! I was not gonna tear my father’s retirement life money or my sister’s wedding budget. They have been thru my life and have heard my emotions as loud as I have felt them!! They have turned black for every pinch I have sustained! Now I had to be a lioness to womb a Lion or princess Lioness!

Everyday I mourn but I stand with heads high for the strength my Angel has filled in me! There were days when I mourned that I cant even bid a goodbye when I am responsible for a life in me now….and I wanted to be there when he/she looks back to lean on just like my parents were with me. But I soon jumped out of this! No, this is not quite the emotion I want to pass on to my baby…my love!! I forced myself to daydream of luxury, fun, happiness, educative, virtuous, strong , independent safe life!! Was not easy! Its been a month and I have not heard from him at all! It feels like he has found his cocoon just like I have found my baby!

When I go to the scans and see your cute little hands and legs and see u suck ur thumb just like I used to in my baby days……I pity him!! What a pity he is missing the most amusing and lovely creation!!!!!!! An image of God growing in me!

For the first time in last 14 yrs….my meditation’s happy moment has been somebody other than my Master….my little Angel!!! A gift of my Master which I will truly cherish and justify!! 

Tuesday 27 May 2014

My Love...

Here’s my first letter to you. Mommy wants the best for you! Starting from name to everything!! I am just not done how much ever I do for you! Don’t worry about anything that’s happening…..Mommy is strong enough to deal with it all. You are my strength and source of my life! Mommy is going thru all this just to keep her unsaid promise to give you the best…and it will be done!

Please forgive me for the stress that’s uncontrolled. I try my best not to lean it on you Love! Want you to know that I am waiting to hold you in my arms and sing those sweet lullabies I have been singing to you in my womb. Your first touch, your curling fingers around my finger, your sweet smell, your curious stares at your mommy, your cute yawns, your smiles….esply in sleep, your cries, your first little steps, your first few words….and finally the day when mommy will look up to her love as smarter and more virtuous Angel who silently teaches her so much!

Those sleepless nights….when we are both gonna cry and not know why!! Those long walks! Crazy rain dances! Park days….sports with mommy which soon you will outgrow and find mommy least challenging J the story books and soon a day when you will tell me your school and college stories! Teaching my love what I know and my love teaching me what you know.

Every time I look into your eyes I am gonna think “You have been closer to God. You have just arrived, your memories must be fresh with Him!!” Everyday when I wake up I make a silent prayer to my beloved teacher. Now my morning prayers are full of blessings for you! I have offered you to my teacher and thank him for giving you to me! I plead him to protect you and bless you with all the happiness, joy, love, & prosperity!! I end with a silent request…..”Master please bless me to be a good mother! May I be able to give my Angel all the virtues, love and comfort to make my Love a gift to the world…..just like you are!!



You are going to bring light and joy into the lives of many around you starting from your mommy (you already are).  My love….this world has two faces. You can look into the eye of everyone and all you will see is betrayal, cheating, tricks, hatred. But you can look into their soul and you will see there is a crave for love! Everybody wants Love!! Probably this crave is what the great saints see….Mother Teresa could love unconditionally coz she saw the soul! Whenever you see hatred and betrayal take a minute to look at the soul and you will grow to forgive them easily! Grow my love!! Always grow to be what your life wants to see you as! Make your mark!


I AM NOT ALONE!


Everyday waking up to a feeling of throwing up feels sick!! The last couple of months has been just of that and a lot more! Tired, hungry, tired, giddy, tired, off to work, tired, back from work, of course tired!! Gone were the days when I could Pack up for a two days trip and hop into my frd’s car in 15 mins!!! I swear dint miss a thing and looked smarter than my boys ;) Here I was dragging myself to get ready for the cab that was gonna reach me in 1 hour. There dint go a day when I said to my mom with those puppy eyes “Mom I cant! Can I quit!!” my mommy patiently replied “no my love! You are almost thru with the tough days! Hardly few more days!” I am scared to ask the same Q to my dad. Me being daddy’s pet….expected and obvious answer is “Quit! I am here for you. All of mine is yours”. Now that was the most soothening words I was desperate to here but then came the next haunting Q. My love….my little angle will one day grow up to hear the stories of how she/he was brought home. He might have a better talent in throwing those puppy eyes his mommy has and might ask “Mom if dad dint pay….who paid?” I wanted to look into her glowing eyes and say “your mommy is a super mom!! You owe nothing to anyone!”


Lets count the blessings…..I can now feel my angel’s flutters!! Not very obvious and not very often but she does tell me “Mom I am here” now and then! I now know I AM NOT ALONE!! He wakes me night with his notorious movements…and I just simply love it!!! My cutie pie moves around and makes me wonder what is he upto? Hmmm sliding games? Hide and seek? Extremely excited for sure! Though there is so much of tiredness and sickness its just nothing when I do anything for my love! I read him books….I sing lullabies for him. I put an extra hour everyday to learn some new songs. I just know she is hearing. She tells me if she doesn’t like the song. She has an all-time favorite….”tooguve rangana”.




When I think of those cute little pink feet that’s kicking me from the inside and the chubby cheeks and curled hands and a thumb in his mouth…..I just can’t hold the tears…who wants to hold it anyways! 

Tuesday 6 May 2014

The Incredible Journey Begins


When my K got the pregnancy test kit…..i blinked at it! Wondering…what on earth is this doing in my hand? Me & K sat for a while in silence. Of course as always I broke the silence n told him I was nervous abt doing the test!! He asked “what do you want the result to be?” I replied “if it’s a negative I will be disappointed….coz I want to be a mother sometime but good for my career. If it’s a positive….I will still be disappointed coz that means end of the long struggled and found job. “


I asked “what do you want it to be?” He said “it proves I am man!!” Hmmmm as usual…..I just sighed and went in for THE TEST!



Then the incredible journey of two pretty pink lines started!! Yes I was pregnant! I was gonna be a MOM!! I burst into tears of joy!!! The job, career, pain….everything felt like nothing!!! Now all I dreamt of was holding a chubby cute baby in my arms who will soon say “Mommy….I LOVE YOU”!!!!!! I am waiting to hear that!





The Struggle Time



I was back with MR K after a month’s separation. Heat was the word when it came to my in laws. Silent was the word I surrendered to, to guard myself. Things went on for 3 weeks…..and it almost felt like forever. I desperately surfed thru the job sites everyday applying in all small and big firms. After 3 weeks of long fight I finally got my job offer!!!! It was overwhelming coz the salary was something I dint even dream of!!



As usual my little brain swung into action and started planning again. Since I was on a contract for 6 months I planned to complete my tenure and concentrate on saving enough to plan on a baby….just to hear a genuine “I Love You”.

YES! As you guessed it right HE had better plans!


I started to work from March 13th. Back to IT professional world added feathers to my cap. Though secretly I mourned over my perishing dreams of being an entrepreneur. This time I was to give all that it takes to prove myself worth of it! I put my heart and soul into it. Just a week since I started to work and I started a new homeopathy medicine (for Hair growth) which made me throw up almost all day. I feared I will loose my concentration on job and stopped the medicines within 3 days. Alas…..the throwing up dint seem to stop! & then rang a bell………..am I?????

Story Untold


I have rewrote this stanza probably an Nth time, but failing to start it on a good note. Well letting the flow undisturbed here I present to you my story untold.





The last 3 months of my marriage has been indescribably strenuous. The relationship stress, in laws pressure, coping up pressure has been building up on me ever since I met Mr K. It was in fact pure societal pressure that I got into this marriage. After a month’s separation I realized my life felt nothing without Mr K. That one month has stroke me with such furious thoughts of ending my life that I wonder how did I make it thru? I could write hundreds of pages about the ill-treats as a new bride I went thru. The lack of emotional support, not supporting me financially plus not letting me work, ill-talks on every mobile bills, everything I cook!!! Well I will stop myself right here coz this is not in line with the purpose of the blog.
To round it up….the one month I realized my desire to live would return if and only I could discover love in my life. One soul to say….”I Love You…I want You”. It could be a miraculous change in my husband or my own blood shared baby!!!



I saw myself getting no where without money. Hence came the second realization…..I need to work to fulfill my expenses. Expecting someone to pay my bills would lead to complications again. So there started to work my little brain with big plans….I vigorously started looking for a job simultaneously trying to make the MAGIC work on my so called family.  I healed a prayed everyday hoping HE will give me a better life……a Magic to make my K and in laws love me or a job enough to fulfill my expenses.

Like it always says…..HE always has a better plan than wat you could pray and wish for.

Life kept surprising me at every stage. From my birth! Mom always told me I did things which was least expected which made me the apple of the eye almost everywhere…..be it my work place or my family or frds.


This was no big different. Life did surprise me….and HE proved it again that his plans are better than that of mine J